There And Back Again: The Journey Home

     But where is home? As I prepare to leave Haiti ( I have one clinic day left) some thoughts rush through my mind like a tidal wave: will I be able to adjust?--yes--, will I do the 'mandatory' closet-cleaning?--yes--,will I miss the people I've met in Haiti?--YES--, am I excited to be home?--yes--, will I miss Haiti itself--. . . that's where I start to stutter.
     Will I miss Haiti itself? . . . Honestly? I don't know. I promise that I will miss the amazing relationships I've forged from adults to babies since I've been here. But let me take you on a bunny-trail, dear reader, to explain why I might not miss Haiti itself. A few weeks ago, Becca (a fellow 21-yr old and the girl in the photo with me) came and joined me at Mickey's and Liz's. Quickly, we created a relationship that was based on being in a mutual location but it continued since I genuinely enjoyed her company. And, if you know me, that's saying something because I don't actively dislike people but I don't often like them. As I got to know Becca, her heart for Haiti burned bright. She loves Haiti and knows that this country is part of her future.
     . . . So, Becca loved Haiti and here I was serving but not feeling my heart break for the country. Was something wrong with me? Obviously no. What I've realized is that everywhere has needs. Everywhere. So, Becca's heart is for Haiti and mine for somewhere else. And that's okay. I don't think I'll be in America for always and I don't think I'll be in Haiti. But I do now understand that I am perfectly fine with living in a third world country--and that opens up so many possibilities. God has a country for my heart and I simply need to follow His plan to find it. I'm excited.
     That's my answer to whether I'll miss Haiti or not. Make of it what you will.
     This will likely be my last blog post before I return home. Thank you to those who have read my thoughts --be it once or regularly. And, as always, I hope you have a wonderful day:)

xxLeah

P.s: want to know something weird? My ears smell like cheese to me and I don't know why.
P.p.s: if you still want to donate to Brisley (read July 15th post if you want to know his story) go to: http://www.gofundme.com/hopeforbrisley

So Close, So Far Away

     When people told me that going to Haiti: 1) for the first time alone and 2) for an extended stay was crazy, I didn't believe them. Now? I totally believe them. It is insanity to visit a country like Haiti which you don't know for over a month but thankfully God put some even crazier people in my life down here. It wasn't long before I met Hannah, Mickey, Liz, and Becca. Each of these woman played a pivotal role in my time in Haiti--I've been shown God's heart for this country through their actions.
     The first few times I went to the malnourished children's clinic and the two orphanages I visited here it was . . . difficult. But then again not. I felt so disconnected from these dying children that I just didn't care. After all, I would be home soon-- living in luxury once again. But here's the thing. That solid wall of not caring was just a facade and it took one little girl to break it: Venessa (pictured to the right). Venessa was a very sick baby girl who, without Mickey and Liz's clinic and Real Hope For Haiti, would have died. It took Venessa peeing on me for my heart to be opened to her--and she still hasn't left. Now when I see the kids, I see her. I wonder how many of these children will grow up "normal" yet the odds aren't in their favor. But I hope anyway. And I can hope because of the work being done in Haiti by organizations such as Children's Health Ministries, Real Hope For Haiti, partnerships with local orphanages, and so many others.
     But now it's time for my crazy time here to end and for me to return to America--land of the fat (but maybe still unhealthy) children. Of course I plan to do the almost-mandatory-third-world-country-closet-cleanout upon my arrival home. More than that though, I plan to be more aware of my resources and how I can help others with them. What I'll take away to push me harder is the simple memory of the kid's faces. When I don't want to finish out school strong, don't want to clean, want to complain about first-world problems (be honest, we all do it)--I'll remember them and do the right thing (even though I'm sure I'll fail many times) because they won't ever have the chance to do these things. I'll fight a little stronger for the orphaned, widows, and children.
    Haiti, so close to America, is still so far away in almost every way possible. But like I said, I harbor a flame of hope for Haiti because of all the good I've seen down here. It hasn't all been good though--there is much evil going on simultaneously. But here's the thing: the devil is working so hard to push back against the good because he sees it as a threat--as is correct. Haiti's got a long and difficult road to haul but I wouldn't bet against her.

Daily Life

     So, here's a thought: there is a skeleton inside everyone of us. But, that skeleton is pretty easy to see in some of the kids at clinic. Also, I realized that most people reading my blog (the few of you that exist...) probably don't know what I do on a daily routine so, ready?
     *I wake up to the sound of cars honking/dogs barking/children's voices - - no alarm clock needed, ever.
     *I get off the air-mattress and collect my water bottle to go brush my teeth.
     *I eat some toast, get dressed in a skirt and t-shirt, gather my journal and write for about 20 minutes.
     *I go rinse off my face (first time) to get the dust and sweat off
     * On clinic days, I now go outside and hop on the back of a motorcycle  and take a ride
          --on clinic days, I then sit for anywhere from 5-8 hours seeing sick children and internally cry
     *Around 3 pm, I wash my face for the second time and I become instantly twice as pale
     *If I want to shave, it's around now and I take a baby wipe and a razor and go at it--I once again turn from tan to pale in about 5 minutes
     *Around now, my body tells me I'm tired so I fight to stay awake (sometimes I don't win . . . )
     * It's now about 5:30, I've probably eaten dinner/lunch (it's the same meal here) and I'm about to shower --third time I've washed my face
     *Now it's anywhere from 6pm onward and I'll start my skyping, blogging, picture updating, processing the day, trying not to cry, talking with Liz/Becca, and watching toddler Tally wonder around
     *9 pm hits and bedtime has finally arrived
        --I grab my water bottle and go and brush my teeth again and wash my face for the final time
     * And now? My favorite part of the day: I turn the fan on in my room and breath a sigh of relief as I feel the air breath across my tired body.

     Well, there you have it. That's my day and I'm so sure I've left so much out . . . my sincerest apologies but I can't remember everything but everything that would be weird to an American just seems normal to me now.
     I hope everyone is doing splendidly,
xxLeah

P.s: the photo is just a photo of me with Louissa and her siblings!

Oh, Look Mom, A Blanc!

     Well, let me tell you, if you're going to have malaria and throw up you might as well do it in the Caribbean ocean. The photos you see are from today and it was marvelous. Well, the first hour and thirty minutes were great and then my body quit. But even when I was feeling crappy, the view was drop dead gorgeous. It's so easy to forget that Haiti is in the Caribbean and truly is marvelously beautiful.

   
     I got to ride in a rustic boat and swim in turquoise waters while being turned red by the sun. The Haitians loved talking to us because we're white girls in the ocean--so basically we stood out like a shark in a kiddie pool.

As you can tell in the foot photo, I got some tan today! The Haitian housekeeper/best-person-ever was laughing at my tan and when I explained I got burnt because I'm white, she laughed and said "no, now you're pink!".  Well yes, now I am pink.
     I'm just glad that today was amazing and I got the chance to relax and spend the day at the ocean:)

 I hope you guys had as fabulous a day as me . . . except that's not possible so good luck trying!

xxLeah    

Warning: This Is Not A Feel-Happy Post

  Guess what folks?!? I have malaria! I haven't felt very good the past few days but last night was even more so of an exception. I woke up at 3am shaking and shivering--now, that shouldn't happen in Haiti. Now here's the stupid part: I wasn't going to say anything about feeling poopy. Becca (the other girl here), however, convinced me to take care of myself. Therefore, I told Mickey and Liz I wasn't feeling super duper and then quickly got tested for malaria and the test was positive.
     But here's the thing: as much as you might want to slap me for ignoring my symptoms for days so many people in Haiti do just that. At the lab center where I got my test (oh sorry, did the word 'lab' give you an image of a clean building? Scratch that. It was a falling apart concrete building with sheets hung up as walls) there was a woman who had taken a fall. She was sitting stiff with her legs and core not moving but she was having a seizure. Here's the killer thing though: she ended up going home because "it wasn't that bad". What?! What Becca inadvertently reminded me of is that our body is our temple. We need to take care of ourselves and it's just sad when people do not possess the resources to take care of themselves.
     It's horrible that we live in a world of such inequality but hey, that's life! Oh, do I sound callous? Sorry, maybe it's because my heart has broken just one too many times in seeing Haitians unable to care for themselves. But no, it is horrible. So be thankful that you're sitting pretty in your home reading this and thank the Lord that he's given you so much--but remember, He also told us to take care of the poor, children, and widows. Speaking of taking care of children . . .
****Do you remember Brisley?? If not, please check out my blog from July 15!!!! I've launched a fundraising campaign and would love it if you would consider donating. If you have questions about it, feel free to leave a question in the comment section or email me at: loswald1@vols.utk.edu.
To donate, copy&paste the link: https://fundrazr.com/campaigns/2p8Cd 
Also, please share this with as many people as you know. Please!****

    **This paragraph of the blog was added in later and that's why it doesn't flow as much**: You know what? My friend--shout out to Hannah Clark!--just reminded me of something that makes me cry (literally, I'm crying right now). All of this poverty, all of this illnesses, all of it--somehow, it is and will glorify God. I'm not sure how but I need to remember that it does. It's not that the actual suffering and pain is glorifying, but it's how we respond and act in it that is capable of giving glory. This is His plan, not mine and ultimately that gives me so much assurance and peace. 

"Some people are worth melting for . . . "

     You recognize the quote? It's from the movie Frozen. If you don't, don't sweat it. But if you do, then you'll understand the feeling I've experienced today all thanks to the little girl in the photo (Louissa).
     A smile makes everything better, right? Right. And Louissa's smile? That makes everything seem right. Louissa is one of five children and beyond believably sweet. How did she come to the house today? I pinkie-promised her mother yesterday (and as we all know, a pinkie promise is as good as crossing-your-heart-and-hoping-to-die--pretty much infallible) to bring her today. So, picture this: me stumbling into the kitchen this morning for coffee when I was beautifully assaulted by Louissa's smile and a solid 5-minute hug. Yup, I didn't need coffee then because she was just as good.
     That was almost 12 hours ago and Louissa's smile is still going strong.
     And you know what? I think that Louissa was much needed today. I've been mentally and emotionally stressed the last few days and Louissa was the heart-adjustment that I've been subconsciously craving but too afraid to voice. I'm thankful that I've gotten to spend the day simply enjoying her presence. It's funny because she brought me a letter from the last time we hung out saying that she loved me. Just like that. She loved me. No conditions, no exceptions. Why don't we love like that in America? Does it really take extreme poverty, death, hopelessness, and so much else just to bring out the simple emotion of love? Maybe. But I don't think so. I think in America we get caught up in the whirlwind of possessions and forget basic humanity. Or maybe we just shove down the 'loveable/vulnerable' side of humanity and we bring to the forefront the constant desire for "more". Either way, we forget to say 'I love you'. So, here's a challenge for you readers: before going to bed, tell someone important in your life that you love them. You know what? You might've had a massive fight with them today. That's okay. Just let them know that you care about them and you're thankful for them.
     Hope everyone feels warm fuzzes tonight,
xxLeah

****Do you remember Brisley?? If not, please check out my blog from July 15!!!! I've launched a fundraising campaign and would love it if you would consider donating. If you have questions about it, feel free to leave a question in the comment section or email me at: loswald1@vols.utk.edu.
To donate, copy&paste the link: https://fundrazr.com/campaigns/2p8Cd 
Also, please share this with as many people as you know. Please!****

Home Again Home Again . . .

     Oh wait, it's not home again for some kids. For some kids in Haiti, home can be as grand as a luxury house to a tin-roofed shanty. For the children I visited at the orphanage today--if you recall, I visited about two weeks ago and the owner starves the children--home is a term that apports little joy.
     But something was different today.
     A little boy, Eddie, (he's the one in the photos) noticed me. With trepidation Eddie slowly approached me. I called out "bonjou cherie" and he took one more step. I reached out my hand and what'd he do? He took ahold of it and didn't let me go the remainder of the time. Eddie maneuvered into my lap--all while holding my hand--and sat there. We didn't talk, we just sat together. The estimated rate of physical or sexual abuse among these children in this orphanage is a minimum of 50%. I wondered what his life story has been to this point. I wonder what his life story will read in 10 years. I hope that it's radically different in the best way possible.
     This orphanage is always means I'll have a difficult day. I'll have difficulty knowing that they don't have clean water. They don't have food. They don't have sanitary living conditions. Heck, let's just call it what it is: they live in crap and their lives are abysmal excuses for living as they try to scrape by on nothing.
     Some days are difficult. Some are great. Some are just 'meh'. But in all of these days, there is hope for tomorrow. A sliver of possibility exists that something great will happen and that's what keeps me going. Well today? Something great happened: Eddie grabbed my hand. Through holding onto me, Eddie revealed that he wants to be loved and he still has the emotional capacity to make bonds with other humans. There is hope for him and I'll be thinking of him even when I'm thousands of miles away, hoping for him.

****Do you remember Brisley?? If not, please check out my blog from July 15!!!! I've launched a fundraising campaign and would love it if you would consider donating. If you have questions about it, feel free to leave a question in the comment section or email me at: loswald1@vols.utk.edu.
To donate, copy&paste the link: https://fundrazr.com/campaigns/2p8Cd 
Also, please share this with as many people as you know. Please!****

xxFromAGirlWhoNeedsYourHelp,